Here is the thing about dating
I don't do it well
I tend to bring up exactly the wrong thing
Or else I get tipsy as hell (it's nerves)
And then I insult your roommate's apartment
Which incidentally is yours
Sometimes I mumble and sometimes I fumble
And sometimes I walk into doors

Here is the thing about dating
The thing I have learned thus far
Don’t try to drive when you’re charmed by his eyes
For you will crash your car
And nothing says loving like claims adjusters
And nothing says romance like “hey,
I’m sorry for baiting you, I can’t be dating you
But please have a happy birthday


Here is the thing about dating
Dating’s a terrible thing
The tops are made out of bottoms
And the bottoms are made out of boring
If you do dare try some dating
Be it on Grindr or Growlr or Scruff
You may have nice abs and money for cabs
But sometimes that’s just not enough

Here is the thing about dating
The thing you must know toute suite
It is a trial but if you try every guy it’ll
Probably slow your retreat when you say
“I think I’m giving up dating
I’m sure I’ve done all I can
I’ve tried it with class, for a hot piece of ass
But I just can’t find a man

Here is the thing about dating
Please don’t give up yet
Cause everyone’s looking for something
At least you can count on that
Don’t worry if the one you found wasn’t the one who found you
Everything comes with a price
Just take my sage advice
Just try to be cool, and don’t be a tool
And don’t date your ex’s ex (twice)